9.25.2009

behold, world! this is what insomnia looks like!

two hours of sleep?
check.
dim-witted partners in bio lab?
check.
vegging out in front of antm while laughing my ass off because tyra really has gone off the deep end this time?
cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck.

that about sums up my day.



i would like to know how the people in my bio lad got into my bio lab. (besides the obvious that it's a prerequisite course and therefore has no prerequisites of its own.....shush with the details.....)
i mean, honestly, people.
i have a learning disorder.
what's your excuse, then?




i realize that it is quite insensitive of me, but i find myself having little tolerance for people who are less intelligent than i am.
but really, it's not like i'm some genius. get with the program! it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that blood is a bio hazard and therefore should not be poured into the sink! this is like biology 101! people die from this stuff!








really this has become much more scathing than i intended.
work with me, i am running on two hours of sleep.

ah, college. you are so...................................
college.
really, there's nothing quite like it.




what is this thing, you are doing, blogger? this justified alignment thing? i most definitely do not approve. do you see it up there? that "y" that is just hanging out? most definitely not okay.
i hate justified. i really do.

procrastinate.

i think i have lost my appetite for blogging.
have i lost my need to spill my brain juices into virtual space? no idea.

really i think it is laziness.


oh laziness. you are ironically a very persistent pest.





was supposed to study for bio test. mission: failed.
poor boyfriend was left waiting for me to call him back (against my advice).


and adderall, you tricky bitch. maybe you should spend less time being useless, and start investing a bit more of yourself into doing your job.
(on a side note, spell check doesn't seem to understand "adderall". interesting. and yes, i am fascinated by spell check's vocabulary or lack thereof. don't judge.)

8.13.2009

hello world. are you there?

i feel myself being pulled in all directions.
there is a black hole in my core, and it is threatening to both simultaneously suck me in and pull me apart.





i wonder if i am doing the right thing.
i am no stranger to self-doubt, but this recent onslaught seems to me a particularly bad case. perhaps it is just the timing?

i feel my relationship exploding apart, and i am nothing but talk.
i both want it to end and think i will die of heartbreak if it does. boyfriend neither sees nor understands how deeply i care for him, or how deeply he hurts me.
i want so badly for things to work, but when do you decide that enough is enough?

i feel like it's dying.

i am trying my hardest to not be over-dramatic.
i feel like my heart is crushing itself. (so much for not being over-dramatic.)




i am on an island in the center of it all, and everything is drifting away. i stand, helpless, and i am extremely vulnerable. i must say that i feel like i have lost all of my self-esteem.
i want someone to be there, to be available, to be waiting and understanding.
but i cannot bring myself to ask you for that. i have too much pride.
so i will stay here on my island, and i will wait.

7.11.2009

i am good at everything except calculus.

i used to generalize and say i was bad at math and science.
but i realized that was inaccurate. i'm actually really good at science. and geometry. (i can't speak for chemistry though, as i've never actually taken chemistry.)


for whatever reason, i cannot wrap my brain around math.

boyfriend gets really frustrated sometimes. i think he thinks i am not paying attention/being lazy or both. for whatever reason, you can explain something to me, have me do it (i will probably do it correctly), and they say "good. now try this one without my help", and i will get stuck on the first step.

what the fuck. how is that even fair.
apparently my brain's memory capacity for math formulas/rules/equations/etc is one problem. as soon as that problem is finished, all the information just flies away.



why couldn't i be bad at something lame? like.......
ugh there is nothing else lame because i am lame and like school. what the heck.







i am nerdily excited for my physics class this next semester. physics! yes!

6.22.2009

she is an ex-cop and she is bubbling over with effervescence.

which is actually a somewhat redundant statement.


the woman in charge of my training today was incredibly jolly.
her wing-woman was also pleasant, though at first spoke to us as though we were all bad at speaking english/five years old.

you know, that louder-than-normal tone and over-simplified word choice?



one of the women i am working in the deli with is kind and well-meaning, but also naively ignorant.
we will be working in the kosher deli together. her name is Tanya.

i had mentioned to the store director that i am Jewish and have kept Kosher in the past. i think word must travel quickly, even though it is a big store.



Tanya comes up to me. we have spoken before, but this time she seems hesitant.
"um.........so are you, like........are you, like, a Jewish person?" she asks me.
"yes," i say. "i am."
"oh." she looks around nervously. i think maybe she is unsure how she is supposed to ask these kinds of things.



today we happened to be next to each other in the sandwich line during our lunch break. again she seems cautious, though a bit less so.
"so........do you come, like, from Israel?"
i reply no, i have never even been there. i don't think Tanya has met many Jewish people in her lifetime.







a few days ago, ab was giving me a ride home. he mentions the upheaval in Iran. i am wary; i do not discuss politics with ab.

he says that Obama is being too soft, he should go into Iran and intervene. i try to be diplomatic, i say that i feel Obama is taking a softer course because he is trying to regain the respect of the Arab nations. intervening in Iran is not the way to do it.
ab says that by writing their signs in English, the Iranian protestors are purposely making a statement to the world that they want help.
i say i think he is over-anylizing the situation.
he says the Decleration of Independence was the same thing. while on the surface it may have been telling England off, in reality it was screaming "HELP!" to the rest of the world.
in my idealist mind, John, Thomas, and Benjamin are not so yellow-bellied. but i only say "i guess...." and try to discourage further political discourse.



i am taking calculus again, and it is poop.







i live next to a rehabilitation center. it is mostly unclear what they are rehabilitating, but it seems to mostly cater to the elderly.

every so often, i hear a man yelling "help!" and then a pause, followed by another "help!" and so on.
either this is a bed-ridden old man who is sorely in need of a buzzer to summon his care staff, or this is one of the hobos who nest under the trees across the street.


probably it is the former of the two.

in my mind he is a disagreeable, grumpy old man with incredibly bushy eyebrows and snow-white hair. the nurses are turning him over so he doesn't get bed-soars, but he loathes both them and their care. he cries help, because he longs for the day that someone will believe he is in peril and will come to save him from the tiny nurses and their scrub-clad shoes.

maybe all he really needs is someone to sit by his bed and listen to his stories. i'll bet his family just left him there to rot, and that is why he is so bitter.



not that i have anything against care-homes. this is just what i made up in my head. and i do have something against those who abandon their relatives in care homes. for crying out loud, at least visit once a week. would it kill you?

6.17.2009

and i'm thinking........!!

i want to be honest and blunt.




i don't want to have to worry about how what i write will affect people who probably won't read it anyway.

i want to be honest and just write write write write write.





huuuuuuu. i unleash air in a sigh, and i feel like that's all i am doing these days.
i feel like i am expanding constantly while everything is shrinking in on me.

make it stooopp.

i am in that place where my weight is evil.
i don't want to be this person! i am plagued by negativity. ry and i compete over who has less non-fat yogurt in their cup.

i really have sunk so low.





i want to be more and i want to be less.
my future is both too far away and far too close for comfort.
i am aging. i hate thinking about it.


and curse you peace corp for only wanting people who have at least a bachelor's degree. can you just please ship me off to africa? i promise i will work very hard. <3








as much as i know changing my degree was the right thing to do for the long term, i am having doubts. i could be almost done with college, but now i have to start from scratch. i wonder if i didn't just convince myself this is the right thing. i am deathly afraid of growing up and entering the adult world. i feel like every time i get closer to graduating, i freak out and purposely sabotage my own plans.


can i please just be five again? i want to dig in the dirt for worms and cool looking rocks. ooooh and that red clay/mud stuff that is also sometimes yellow and you find in moist dirt when you are extra lucky. <3





when asked what my magical power of choice is, i don't even have to think. i would like to be able to control time, please and thank you.